Had another good NST/BPP and Doppler today. I can't believe she is going to be here so soon!! Starting to get super anxious and nervous!! I have been monitoring her movement very close lately. The only problem is that I sometimes scare myself because I think I get so used to her little movements that I sometimes don't realize she is moving when I am doing something else. So, all of a sudden I am questioning whether or not I have felt her move in a while. Then as soon as I stop and think about it, it's like she reads my mind and starts wiggling. :) I never felt this much movement with Eli since he didn't have any fluid to really move around much, so sometimes I just like to sit down, relax and enjoy the movements! It's such a miracle!
This is such an emotional journey. Eli's birthday is coming up soon on April 21st. This pregnancy brings back so many memories of when I was pregnant with Eli and it brings me such hope for the future with our little girl as well. I will always wish that Eli was here and everyday I think about how old he would be now and the things he would be doing. I think of these things every time I see a little boy no matter how old he is. We will never get to experience those things with Eli and it breaks my heart all over again everyday. We will never get to see his first smile or hear his first words. We will never get to teach him to ride a bike or watch him in a wrestling match. I can't wait until our little girl is here so we can share all of our memories of her big brother with her. She will definitely know she had a beautiful brother who will always be a part of our family and in our hearts. Awaiting her arrival has been so scary and exciting at the same time. It's so important to me to keep Eli's memory alive in our family. He was a blessing even though we only had a short amount of time with him.
I will never understand why things happen the way they do. It definitely seems like there are way too many bad things that happen for all of this to be a part of God's plan. I know many people will disagree with what I am about to say, but different experiences in life definitely make you feel a certain way. So, if you have not been through the exact same thing it is hard to really judge someone for the way they feel. I have been having a really hard time with that over the last year. I get really tired of hearing that everything that has happened has been a part of God's plan because I really don't think that God would put a plan in place to cause people so much pain. If this is all a part of God's plan... his plan really stinks! I sometimes believe that things just happen... and we have God to help us through all of the heartache along the way. I know He is there watching over us and I think his heart is breaking just as much as ours over the things that happen. My thoughts may not make much sense, but I'm still on the journey of understanding my feelings and the true meaning of everything. This is a journey that I have to take myself and figure out on my own. And I have an amazing husband that has helped me through it all along the way. He can always make me laugh. :) One of the reasons I fell in love with him 12 years ago. I know he is struggling with the grief as much as I am. I don't think it ever goes away. I am so thankful that we have had each other to get through the hard times over the past 3 1/2 years. I am so lucky to have him in my life! And now we are being blessed with a beautiful little girl! She is helping to complete our family here on earth. So, now we will have an angel in Heaven waiting for us and watching over us and we will also have our daughter here. In a way, it is kind of a beautiful thing to know you have an angel watching over you and sometimes at just the right moment I can feel it.
Sorry for the heavy topic this week! But sometimes it is such a relief to get those feelings out... I think it's all part of the process..
Here are some 3D pictures of our little cutie pie. Enjoy :)
I hope everyone has a fantastic week. I should have some more pictures next week! :)
